Stay Calm To Be Assertive

 Assertiveness is not a " natural " form of behaviour, it's something you have to think about and do consciously.

We all have two natural behaviours in response to a perceived threat, which I'm sure you've heard of before - fight or flight. In situations where we feel threatened, we tend towards one or other of these reactions. We either get aggressive or we back down.

This is part of our make - up which goes back a long way. We were " programmed " to do this a long time ago as a means of self - preservation. In the face of an attack, our bodies released adrenalin which gave us energy to either fight back or run away.

Unfortunately, our minds and bodies haven't developed that much in some ways. Our bodies don't distinguish between actual physical threats and other forms of stressful situations, e.g. someone treating us unfairly or raising their voices to us. In these situations, we still produce adrenalin and we are still
predisposed to react either by fighting or running away.

Of course, we may not actually take flight and run away from the situation or physically attack the other person ( although we may be tempted to do either of these things ). What we do is to show aggression in other ways, shouting back or shaking our fists, or to back away by being silent, looking down at the ground or crying.

Which of these we do depends partly on our own personality and partly on the specific situation. Some people will always react aggressively, others will always tend to back down from conflict.

To be assertive, we have to choose not to adopt either of these responses. We have to override our natural tendencies and behave in a measured and considered way. Exactly how we do this will be covered in other articles, but the key thing I want to highlight here is the need to stay calm and take the stress out of the situation to allow yourself to behave in this way.

It is very hard to be assertive while you are in a stressful situation. While you are " wound up ", still producing adrenalin and still facing a perceived threat, you will be fighting against your natural instincts. You can learn how to do this, of course, and it will become easier with practice.

But you may find that, to begin with, you have to take yourself out of the highly stressed state first.

Let's say you have to deal with someone at work who tends to be aggressive. That person comes up and shouts at you about something they think you should have done. Your reaction may be to feel angry, embarrassed, tearful or some other highly charged emotion.

This is a very difficult state in which to be assertive. So that may not be the moment to deal with the person.

Another approach is to let the situation pass and choose another occasion to deal with it. A friend of mine was telling me how she had done this with someone in a senior position where she worked. He had " bitten her head
off " in his usual way and she decided this was not going to happen again.

But she didn't tackle him then and there. She arranged a meeting with him on another day and then calmly told him that his behaviour was unacceptable. She reminded him of what had happened and that this had happened before. She told him exactly how it made her feel and simply said that she would not accept this in future.

Her approach worked and he changed his behaviour.

Now, I'm not saying that this would work with everyone. Unlike some of the books you might read on assertiveness, in the real world people don't necessarily change their behaviour just because you tell them you don't like it. But my friend felt happy that she had handled the situation with dignity and that she had made her views clear. She would not have felt that if she had just reacted to his outburst immediately. She needed the time to settle herself and to calm down before speaking to him.

My point is, recognise that you need to be in a relatively calm state in order to be most effective when trying to be assertive. If you don't feel calm, don't try to handle things at that moment, take the time and space to get your thoughts together and settle yourself before dealing with it. That may mean just taking a deep breath and counting to 10 or it may mean waiting for a day or two.

If you would like to organise a course on Assertiveness at your business or for a local organisation anywhere in the UK, or if you would like to have personal coaching to develop your assertiveness and confidence, please give me a call on 0121 249 1306.

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