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8 Tips For Saying " No "
There are many situations when you want to say " No " to someone. How well do you think you do it?
Do you sometimes find yourself saying " Yes " because you can't find a good way of refusing?
Do you sometimes give excuses and make things up to get out of doing things?
Do you say " Yes " at the time but then not do what you were asked ( e.g. not turn up to something you said you would attend )?
Do you say " No " but then make a grovelling apology for letting the person down?
I'm sure we've all done all those things.
Well, here are a few tips about how to say " No " gracefully but firmly.
1. Be clear that you always have a right to say " No " to a request.
People have a right to ask you to do things but you also have a right to decline. Of course, there are situations when this right may be restricted, e.g. your Boss asks you to do something which is part of your job. You can't just refuse because you don't feel like it. However, he or she may ask you to do something which is unreasonable or not convenient, for example because you have tight deadlines to meet.
Be clear in your own mind about the times when you can justifiably say " No " to requests. You don't have to do things just because the other person may be disappointed. Their rights or wishes don't automatically take priority over yours.
2. Show some concern for the other person without giving in to their request.
If the other person responds to your " No " by saying how disappointed they are, say something along the lines of, " I'm sorry you're disappointed, but the answer is still " No ".
3. Give an honest reason for your answer.
Don't make up excuses but give your reasons. For example, " No, I don't really want to see that film." " No, I can't do that today as I have other urgent work to get done by the end of the day. " " No, I can't stay late this evening as I have an appointent to go to. "
4. If necessary, use the broken record technique.
If the other person persists or tries to put pressure on you, just repeat your statement, " Yes, I know I stayed late last time, but tonight I have an appointment. "
Some people can be very good at applying emotional pressure, especially friends and families, for example, " But if you can't help, I'll have to pay for a babysitter or we'll just have to stay in. " What other options they choose are their concern, just stay firm and calmly repeat yourself.
5. Don't apologise too much.
By all means show some sympathy for the other person, as I mentioned above, but don't go overboard. You don't need to apologise too much for not doing what someone asks. A simple " Sorry I can't do that " will usually be enough. Don't be tempted to start saying " I know I'm being awkward/ it's a nuisance/ I really wish I could/ etc. "
6. Try to suggest alternatives.
Rather than a blunt " No ", can you suggest another solution? " I can't get the report done today but I can certainly let you have it for Friday. " " I can't do that work as well as this other work I have to get done today, but if someone could deal with this for me, I'd be happy to take it on. " " I can't go to the cinema tonight but I'm free on Thursday. "
7. Make clear whether this is " No " forever or just for now.
If you are saying " No " is this a once and for all statement? If so, make this clear. If not, make that clear as well.
For example, if you are saying " No " to someone who is asking you out, do you mean, " No, not under any circumstances, not if you were the last man/woman on Earth " or do you just mean, " No, I'm busy tonight "?
You may want to say that you are pleased to have been asked. For example, at work you may be offered some new work which you would like to get involved in but you're just too busy right now. Even if you have to say " No " you may want to mention how keen you are to do this sort of work if it comes up again in the future.
Of course, you'll have to weigh up how likely you are to be offered it again when you make your decision!
8. Deliver bad news in person.
Tempting as it may be to deliver bad news via email or to ring someone when you know they'll be out so you can leave a message, it's best to tell people face to face. It takes a bit of courage but you'll come out of it looking better than if you hide behind a message. It shows more concern for the person and it might soften the blow.
If you think they'll blow a fuse because you've said " No ",well they'll probably do it anyway next time they see you or they may just send you an abusive email back ( which you may think is preferable to having to stand in front of them ). If you are within your rights to say " No " then have the courage of your convictions and tell them personally.
If it's someone who makes a habit of asking you to do things you don't want to, and they tend to react badly if you don't do them, then you need to get them used to the idea that you will be saying " No " sometimes. Of course, don't do this if you seriously think you are in danger of physical harm from someone!
Well, I hope those tips have been of some help to you. Why not get some practice and see how may times you can say " No " today, just to develop your skills?
Alan Matthews
Train of Thought
0121 249 1306
www.trainofthoughtcourses.com
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