We've all experienced the feeling. We're talking to someone we know well, maybe a partner or family member. Instead of really communicating, we're both just delivering a monologue because neither
of us is listening to the other.

Sometimes we feel the problem is we're not expressing ourselves very well, so we try to find another way of saying what we mean. Or we may just feel that the other person isn't listening to us.

But often the problem is that we aren't doing the listening ourselves. That's why we don't make any progress, because we're not picking up any of the clues about how the other person feels,
how they see the situation or what they're trying to say to us.

This shows how important it is to listen carefully. And listening is a skill which needs practice.

What stops you listening carefully?

•  you're distracted by other thoughts, which may or may not
   be about the person, they may be about the meeting you've
   got in the afternoon or a phone call you've got to make
   or the shopping you've got to do on the way home
  
• you're busy thinking of the right things to say
  
• you're thinking of an answer to what the person said earlier and you miss the rest of what they say
  
• you think you already know what the person wants to say and you're just waiting for the chance to reply
  
• you're just bored or tired ( some people just aren't as interesting as we'd like them to be )

So there are plenty of reasons why you might not be paying the person quite as much attention as he or she would like. And the person may well pick this up, just from your expression or your lack of response.

What can you do about it? Well, I've heard some extreme ideas. One girl I was training admitted that she used to dig her nails into her hands under the table in business meetings to keep herself
awake. I thought this was strange until I mentioned it to another group and a girl there said, " Yes, I do that. "

Well, if you like the sound of that, by all means try it.

Otherwise, you could try what they call " active listening ".

This means you take active steps to make sure you're paying attention and that you check your understanding of what the other person is saying. For example, you could:

• take notes if it's a meeting - but don't spend the whole time looking down and writing
  
• ask questions at regular intervals to get the person to expand on what was said, " Tell me more about that "
  
• summarise now and again to check your understanding, " So, let me just make sure I've got this right, what you want to do is..."
  
• be aware of your body language - be attentive, sit up straight, lean forward, establish eye contact, nod and smile ( where appropriate - this can be dangerous if you're
    bluffingand not really listening )
  
• try to be careful with " trigger words " the person might use. We all tend to react to certain words because they trigger an idea or a feeling. This can cause us to respond emotionally
  and to stop listening.Try to leave your mind open until you've heard the full story.

All of these tips depend on your willingness to make an effort and really understand what the person you're talking to wants. Whenever you're having a conversation and you think " This person just
doesn't understand me " stop a moment and consider the possibility that it just might be the other way round.

Please visit the website at www.trainofthoughtcourses.com for more articles.

Train Of Thought offers training in all areas of communication skills to help you have more impact on the people you have to deal with every day. Why not visit the website for more information?

Alan Matthews
Train Of Thought
0121 249 1306
Mobile: 07708 562095
email: alan@trainfthoughtcourses.com
website: www.trainofthoughtcourses.com