How Many Mind Readers Do You Know?

One of the difficulties of dealing with people who find it hard to be assertive is that they often expect others to be mind readers. Because they don't express their thoughts and feelings very often, others are left having to guess or make assumptions about what they want.

An example - Jim is a non-assertive person. At work, his Manager often gives him work to do just before the end of the day and seems to expect him to complete it before going home. Jim has never said anything about this, but he resents it. It makes him angry and he complains about it to his wife when he gets home ( late ).

Jim thinks his Manager is being unreasonable but he has never said this to him. And he has never refused to do the work he has been given. So, of course, his Manager keeps on behaving in the same way.

But see this from the Manager's point of view. Jim expects him to see that his behaviour is unreasonable and that Jim is unhappy about it, but what indication is there that the Manager can see? Whenever he gives Jim work, Jim says nothing and he does the work. There is nothing in his behaviour to show that he is unhappy about it. The Manager would have to be a mind reader to know this.

If, one day, Jim suddenly snapped and shouted at his Manager, he might be amazed to find that Jim had ever been bothered about it. He might say " Why didn't you say something? I give you the work at the end of the day because that's how I organise my time. It didn't have to be done straight away. I thought you were just being very conscientious in getting it done immediately. "

My point is - if you don't tell people how you feel, you can't expect them to guess. Also, if people behave in a certain way towards you, you have to think about what it is about your own behaviour which encourages them to do this.

Here's an exercise. Think of a situation where you are unhappy about the way someone treats you. Then look at it from their point of view. Have you given them any indication that you are unhappy about it or have you just put up with it? Has your own behaviour encouraged them to continue treating you in this way? Could it be that they are not being unreasonable but they are just unaware of how you feel about this?

If you have been expecting them to read your mind, you're going to be disappointed. You need to find a way to let them know how you feel, but if it's the first time you have mentioned it, recognise that it will come as a surprise to them because you are changing your own behaviour. Take things gently and say something like, " I know I've not said anything about this before but I'm unhappy about..."

If you would like to organise a course on Assertiveness at your business or for a local organisation anywhere in the UK, or if you would like to have personal coaching to develop your assertiveness and confidence, please give me a call on 0121 249 1306.

Alan Matthews

Train Of Thought

0121 249 1306

email: alan@trainofthoughtcourses.com

website: www.trainofthoughtcourses.com